For Me

Today I am writing with my audience of one, myself. Yep, I’m writing for me. I have come a ways on my journey since writing some time ago. I have a bit more refined vision of my future (a vision of freedom and celebration of personal worth), and I have since January this year started my college education and returned to school. I am doing all my classes online, since this is the only realistic way for me to earn a degree with my current circumstances. Those circumstances being I have my 6 year old son in first grade and an awesome little girl due mid-summer! Yes my life is changing, and practically everywhere for the better.

So here I find myself, still burdened by the need I keep ignoring: to write. I still have my blog. I still have a bookshelf stocked to the max with literature on writing. I still love to write. I just haven’t been doing it. Which is one of the reasons I feel so disturbed. I have got back to the practice of doing my “morning pages” most days and am taking a class right now that has me assessing my goals and better articulating my vision for the near and distant future. This is what brings me to a difficult place to write. I don’t exactly know what to shoot for in the next year to 5 years. Sure, I can see myself 20 years down the road, doing amazing things. But I have no idea how to get from here to there.

I’ll summarize some obvious pictures that come to my mind:

  • Working with a team or campaign to stop human trafficking, primarily by spreading awareness and communicating the worth of individuals and the reality of the crisis.
  • Working creatively in my own personal space with my journals, drawing, and mixed media.
  • Using writing and my blog as an outlet to encourage others and share what I find beautiful in life.
  • Reach out and connect in more meaningful ways with the people all around me. (Stop being so afraid!)
  • Work from home somehow to be here with my kids.
  • Serve in different capacities at my church, grow in leadership.
  • Keep reassessing my goals and vision to move forward and adjust as I need to.

Sooooo, that’s about it so far. I can’t tell you how many books I’ve read on discovering your life’s work, podcasts I’ve listened to from personal testimonies, and personality and strengths tests I’ve taken over the years. I know I’ll have to keep writing, exploring, and investigating my opportunities, but I think what I really need to do now is act. Work. Write. Even if it seems meaningless or fruitless right now. I just need to keep doing. I have faith I’ll find my way. I’ve already experienced this so much in my life. But now more than ever, I need to discipline myself to create and practice privately and openly so I can be ready when my next “why” hits me in the head. To sum it up, I need to be ready to receive what I am made to do.

 

Choose

This is difficult for me to return to writing.  I have never established a writing habit outside of journaling and so it has never felt natural to write this way. I know I have a lot of hidden treasures buried deep within me. I just never give myself a chance to unearth them and see what is possible. I am not a good writer. I don’t practice enough really develop the craft. But I have for too long, felt the need write, to see what there is for me to say. We all have a voice, and we all have a unique way of expressing and communicating to the world what we have to say. The special voice of every unique person fuels me to live authentically and encourage others to do the same. How amazing is each individual human on this planet?! Seriously! The concept is too much for me. I just know I’m here, in this time and this place, with these specific experiences and my own personality for a reason. You are too. You are amazing. I know this because you are You.

My journey has been a long and painful one, as is true for most people on this planet. Some pains are unthinkable and a crime against your soul. Some pains are simply from belonging to a broken world. Then some, we bring upon ourselves. Through it all we have something to share. We are all connected to this amazing web of the human experience where we have the greatest gift of all- Choice. Free will.

We have the choice to choose well. We can hurt someone or live passively or we can heal, love, and empower the friends along our path. For too long I lived passively. I let the actions, words, and ideas of others belittle and wound my own self worth. I began to believe the lie that I did not have a special place in this world and that great things were for other people, but not for me. I lost touch so much with my own inner voice that I forgot who I was altogether. Mixed in were depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. All because I believed a lie.

I’m here today to tell you I no longer choose the lie. Firstly, because I can identify it as exactly that- somebody at some point sent me the message that I was less, and I accepted it. I am now beginning to able to distinguish between all the mess of counterfeit whispers breezing past my ears and identify the word of truth.

Second, I do not choose the lie because it is the most tragic waste of the only life you have. I want you to know that. Believing anything but who you are created to be is just damaging and keeping you from your best life. Lies are distractions and believing them is simply not worth  your precious time!

Now that I’ve started to live intentionally and begin taking baby steps to choose better, I have a new hope and energy that burns from the inside. Now when external garbage comes flying my way, I have just enough courage to stand firm and let it fly on by. Negative thinking and harmful influences are not winning anymore. (At least not as much.) Because I CHOOSE.

You can too. It takes time and patience. Change is a process and its uncomfortable. But one decision at a time, one small victory after the last, you will experience the life that is inside you and is screaming to get out. Our journeys are all very different from each other and that makes them perfect and beautiful. Life is the  most amazing adventure, if you’ll truly live. It is scary. Sometimes paralyzingly so, but you can grow in the fear and be so much stronger than you ever knew possible. You already ARE so much stronger than you realize. And you’re not alone.

Stop comparing yourself and your experience with other people. You are never going to look like someone else. Comparison is just a self-defeating distraction that never does anybody any good. Start appreciating who you are. You are incredible! Even if you don’t realize it yet, you are overflowing with insane potential and a unique gift only you can offer this world! But please, just start small. Just choose better on one thing today. And then choose again tomorrow. That is exactly what I am doing by writing this blog post. Before I was so overwhelmed by what I wasn’t doing right, how I wasn’t good enough, that I let myself become paralyzed into never choosing anything. I am not doing that anymore. Today I choose something far better. I choose to honor who I am and move forward. I’m looking forward not behind. I know I will fall many times and have regrets along the way, but that is far better than never choosing at all. As I grow little by little, I hope I will remember this. And share the journey with people doing the same.

A New Start And Life Book 2016

I have put plenty of thought into how I can possibly move toward becoming great at something that I love. Unfortunately for me, this has meant starting from the place that I don’t know the first thing I would be good at. I have journaled, prayed, obsessed, dreamed, explored going back to school, and I still found myself uncertain. I think the reason why finally became clear to me. The single thing nagging at my soul is to create art. To draw. And even more terrifying, to play with color. So for Christmas this past year I decided to be brave and commit. I asked my awesome husband to gift me a year long subscription to an art class taught by  an amazing inspiration to me, Tamara Laporte. Throughout this class I will be thrown into the magic of working with endless mixed media and painting. Things of which I know nothing about.

 

I have already received the first couple lessons (they are released once a week) and have found it to be a frustrating challenge from the get go. This doesn’t at all surprise me, but I just have to do this. I have to practice at sucking for as long as it takes to get good. Then I have to become excellent. I just have to. It is my must.

I have already discovered the lack of tools I have to do much of the work, but the limitations force me to stretch my creativity to uncomfortable levels. Which, obviously is what I need most. I have also recognized a deep need to practice figure drawing, and get those proportions down pat. Needless to say, I have a loooooong way to go. And that’s OK.

A first attempt to create again…

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My 100: Week 2

Week 2 recap.

All this is banished forever:

1. an old calendar I was hanging on to for it’s photos
2. A glass jar
3. A mostly used candle
4. A toe separator for nail polish
5. A travel curling iron
6. A misshapen bra
7. Some scratched cd’s

This week I found a lot of items that were somewhat functional and somewhat broken. Considering that I barely used any of them, I found that it’s pointless to keep things for the sudden chance I may use them. Also for the record, I have never separated my toes when painting my toe nails. I wonder if anyone actually ever gets real benefit from  physically forcing your toes apart.

I hardly ever curl my hair period. Did I really think I would put forth the extra effort while out of town?? I do believe I am beginning to know myself within the context of how I actually live my live and not how I envision living it.

My 100: Week 1

Things are going pretty well for my 100 challenge. (I started April 14) I’ve managed to start by purely selecting things that I can toss out. I am sure I have plenty to choose from the trash pile before I need to get creative and give, recycle, or re-purpose anything else.

My first week’s lucky winners were a sum of the following:

Day 1: 3 bags of nice clothes to my gal pal
Day 2: an old food processor I never use
Day 3: a weird soap bag supposedly purposed to make your bar last longer, aka, stupid gimmick
Day 4: extra makeup I haven’t touched in months, nor will ever again!
Day 5: a pointless kitchen tray that collected junk and dust
Day 6: Easter candy I’ve been hanging on to and know I don’t even want (yes, I actually went back and forth for a while if I should keep it or not)
Day 7: an old Bears mug that had a crack and could not hold liquid, but only pens, and I have too many pen jars

Phew! Moving right along…

I can honestly say that getting in the routine of “Something’s gotta go today”, has begun to make letting go easier. I wouldn’t consider myself the hoarding type, but as I take a closer look to what is actually fits inside little home (a single wide trailer), I realize there is so much that takes up space but holds no meaning. I find that kind of sad.

I am starting to realize that I can easily justify away at about anything I own. It all seems so rational, so reasonable, to keep that adorable thing. In fact, I’ll probably never find another one like it, and oh! at what a great bargain! But I know the value does not lie within that description. Much of what I own adds no lick of value to my life or happiness.

I already like where this challenge is heading. I should remind myself though, that a big part of staying true to the purpose here is not gathering and collecting more of the same kind of things as I purge. What good will it do me if I get rid of 100 non essentials in my life and accumulate 50 more? I really want to train myself to think before I consume. Becoming truly aware about what I allow to come into my life and why, therein lies the intention. I’m excited to see what goes out with the trash next garbage Tuesday.

My 100

Living a life closer to what is truly me is causing myself to reevaluate just about every aspect of my life. It’s kind of wonderful. I am beginning to weed out all the noise and mess cluttering my life, in hopes the true me is able to surface a little louder.

This matter of excess, that really has nothing to do with living a happier and freer life, is something that has been bothering me for a while now. I’d say for about a year now, I have noticed an internal ache to purge all my “stuff”, that in reality we can all agree amounts to total nonsense. I have ignored this nag for long. Until recently.

I am now literally trying to purge as many things as I can by adhering to a structured plan. After brainstorming a bit and not coming up with anything past: Throw stuff away! I decided to see what my future fellow online minimalists were up to and I found no end to the variations of challenges and goals to work with.

There is a challenge called, “The 100 thing challenge” by David Michael Bruno, where he was able to get all his possessions down to 100 items. (Whoa!) While I admire a lifestyle this streamlined, I know that I am honestly no where near ready to go that extreme. In fact, I have so much stuff, I decided a good place to start would be to simply get rid of 100 things I own. And I’d do it in 100 days.

 

I am sure that sooner than I think, this will get pretty tough, but I’m absolutely convinced this effort will only improve my life.  I KNOW I have far more than 100 items in my home that are collecting dust or haven’t been used in over a year, so here I go.

Today was my official first day of My 100, and to prove I’m serious, this morning I tossed into my trunk 3 bags of really nice clothes were worthy giving to a good friend of mine. (I know, these bags actually consist of many items, but there were probably close to 50 pieces in there, so that would have been half my challenge done in one day.)

Now, there is a huge, gaping space in my closet that I do not plan on filling up again. Ah, it feels great.

I’m hoping that as much as I look forward to ditching my excess, I am also able to put in some deep thought into how possessions contribute to purpose and joy in life. Maybe I can find smarter ways to put to use what I choose to keep and be able to give a well thought out answer for why I have it.

I’m going to try to keep a weekly recap on what’s made my list and how that affects my overall view of my possessions. Do they add to the quality of my life, or compete for my happiness?

Have any of you found that simplifying what you own has really helped you in any specific ways? Do share! I need all the inspiration I can get. 😉

Mornings Are Good For…

Solitude. And coffee side wondering at what today might actually be.

I’ve become somewhat ritualistic these last couple months. Getting up an hour or two before my four year old son comes trampling down the hallway like a hoard of elephants has become my special time. It pretty much goes:

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Still goin’ strong with my Christmas mug.

Stumble over to my coffee maker and get a cup brewin’. Grab my phone to get my morning scripture. Pull out my journal to write for at least thirty minutes. Get totally lost in my writing and realize an hour and a half got brutally cut off by the storming elephant that is my son.

My day just had the best start. I feel gratitude. I feel alive. I have my eyes and ears open to the world in a way I would not have been capable of if I’d gone straight from stumbling out of bed to making breakfast. And for that, I feel even more grateful.

It amazes me how such a simple routine has added so much richness and value to my days. I’ve always struggled being an early riser, but for some reason I don’t know, I was ready for the change and have kept my mornings going for over two months solid.

I’ve learned the importance to listening carefully to your inner whispers and being ready to adapt and change at moment’s time. I imagine there are certain ways you’ve tweaked your life to get more out of your day or a certain season of life. How have you most grown from simple changes? Routines or rituals? I’d love to hear what you have going on.